Funny Quotes

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.Brooke Shields

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.George Carlin

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.Ellen DeGeneres

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.Henny Youngman

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?Phyllis Diller

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.Oliver Herford

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.Steve Martin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.Tallulah Bankhead

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?James Thurber

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.Hedy Lamarr

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.Charles Kettering

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.Carl Sandburg

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?Arnold Schwarzenegger

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.George Carlin

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.O. Henry

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.Richard Dawkins

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.Josh Billings

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.Margaret Mead

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?Robin Williams

What's another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.Elayne Boosler

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.Rita Rudner

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.Laurence J. Peter

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.Paul Simon

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.Edward Abbey

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.Milton Berle

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.Lana Turner

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.James Joyce

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.Bertrand Russell

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.James A. Garfield

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.Groucho Marx

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.W. C. Fields

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.Katharine Hepburn

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.Jack Benny

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.Mark Twain

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.Will Rogers

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.Terry Pratchett

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.Walt Disney

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.Tim Allen

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.George Bernard Shaw

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.Ron White

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.George Burns

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.Jim Carrey

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.Oscar Levant

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.Joey Adams

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Joan Rivers

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.Bill Cosby

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.Joe E. Lewis

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.Thomas Sowell

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.Bertrand Russell

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.Joe Rogan

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.Bill Cosby

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.George Burns

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.Chris Rock

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.Mel Brooks

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.Elbert Hubbard

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.Buddy Hackett

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.Bill Hicks

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?Robin Williams

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.Henry A. Kissinger

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.Mitch Hedberg

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.Fred Allen

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Clint Eastwood

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Joan Rivers

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.Arnold Schwarzenegger

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.William Lyon Phelps

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.Luis Bunuel

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.Charles M. Schulz

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.Rodney Dangerfield

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.Josh Billings

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.Robin Williams

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.Anthony Burgess

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Woody Allen

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.Joan Rivers

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.Don Marquis

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.Mark Twain

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.Rodney Dangerfield

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.Douglas Adams

Electricity is really just organized lightning.George Carlin

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.W. H. Auden

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Henny Youngman

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.Albert Einstein

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.Steven Wright

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.Walt Whitman

All generalizations are false, including this one.Mark Twain

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.Theodore Roosevelt

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.W. C. Fields

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.George Jean Nathan

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.Jane Wagner

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.Billy Connolly

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.Lily Tomlin

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.Robert Orben

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.Benjamin Franklin

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.Bill Vaughan